Maintaining Anger

Do you know what I hate?

You read the headline - you know what I hate - it's my ability or curse to hold a grudge.

Because I am 46 years-old and married with a child, it is apparently expected that I not act like a child.

I don't think that being pissed off at someone who has screwed you over (in more ways than one) is grounds for "get over it".

Sure it's been seven months, but why do I need to "get over it" and stop being ticked off just because my disappointment and anger doesn't fit someone else's schedule?

I wish I could forget things, but I'm not a stupid person. I have a pretty high IQ, even though I am too lazy to utilize it in a meaningful way - IE be rich, successful, famous or apparently forgiving.

It's been suggested by people close to me that I need to stop dwelling in the past, that I need to live in the now and stop worrying about the future. How zen. I understand what I need to do, but why can't it be on my schedule rather than everyone else's. Am I being childish? Maybe I'm not as good a person as you.

Are you kidding me? How can I not be concerned for the future? I'm broke, owe more money now than I have ever owed. I don't own a house any more or a car and wonder what sort of life or legacy I am leaving my child.

I have no idea what the future will bring and am worried because nothing makes me happy knowing I am no longer in control of my own destiny. The banks are.

Home life? Work? It's just more of the same. I would like to go out and see my friends, but something always comes up. Money. Time. Being a family man. You know... being responsible.

So, with life getting me down, why shouldn't I feel anger or angry over things that bother me? I should concentrate on things that would make me happy? I like to write, but no one seems to offer support from those whom I need it from.

So what if I amuse myself and several hundred people around the world by writing daily about my past life in Japan - ah, dwelling in the past. That's not something I should do. People seem to think that I write about my past because it was the best time of my life. Get real. Have you read any of my blogs at Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife. While indeed fun and a great time, there's a reason why the word 'rife' is in the frigging title.

It's amazing how much of my current self I put into writing about the past me. I suppose I'm the only one who understands that... so it's cathartic for me to write. It helps me figure out what's bothering me now so that I can figure out how to make things better.

So... when I feel cheated out of the better things in life and see constant reminders of it nearly every day... I should just not think about it? I should count the limbs on trees and forget that life goes on around me? I live in the present, believe it or not! Shit bothers me. I put on the happy little smile when I have to, but even I know it's not the same as before.

I no longer own a house and live in the house where my mother died. Ten feet away from where I sit and write this. I am happy that my father has graciously allowed us to stay here - I can't even afford to pay him - really, thanks dad! But I feel like a complete and utter failure.

Do people at work know or care that I have nothing? Just get your work done. So I do, and I do it well.

I'm not depressed - certainly not clinically. But I worry for the future of my child, family and myself. Isn't that something that a man should be concerned about? Caring about the quality of life?

So what if I see things that remind me of being screwed over by the world? So what if I am able to live in a nice house? It's not mine. So what if I need to be angry at someone or something intangible? Am I not allowed to be angry?

Does that make me a bad person? You know I created this blog for a reason - it's because things piss me off, and I wondered if the same things pissed you off.

However, aside from hating my ability to maintain anger, I think I hate people telling me to get over my anger more. Physician heal thy self.

People want me to feel better about life -well, how about proving to me that things are getting better in life. I'm getting older, and sometimes it feels like I'm not going to actually get what I deserve... or god help me, am I getting what I deserve. I must have been a real asshole in my last life.

So... you know what I hate? I hate maintaining anger... but it's all I have. It's the only thing I own, and I own it outright.