Oh... My parents were born in India, I was born in England and I'm about as Canadian as it gets... and I want nothing more in life that to simply be Andrew. While 9-11 did change a lot of things... my ability to cross the border was a bitch a long time before that tragedy.
It's supposed to be comedy, so I would appreciate it if you would do me the honor of laughing, or telling why not. In both parts of this skit, I play the immigration dude talking first to my father and then to myself.... in case you couldn't tell.
Scene 1
(Music: Led Zeppelin – The Immigrant Song)
Talk to the audience (intro).
It’s like the ultimate Canadian success
story. An immigrant family comes to Canada for a better life than the one they
left behind. It’s true that my family wasn’t leaving because of a war, famine
or persecution, but with jobs a plenty and a healthy atmosphere to raise a
child, what’s not to like about Canada?
I have to tell ya the truth, however. Me
standing here in front of you is all a bit of a fluke, really.
My parents, Ron and Lynda got married in
India, and honeymooned in Europe. In fact, it’s quite possible I was accidentally conceived
in the back seat of a Fiat while touring Rome. Those backseats are notoriously cramped... I suppose that makes me part
Italian. Hunh... Never thought of that before.
It was while visiting England that the guy
at the airport mistakenly stamped “Landed Immigrant” status on all our
passports. Mamma mia! I thinka we’ll a stay here in a da England.
I was born in England thanks to that Roman
holiday in which the convertible was probably not the only thing with its top
down. Realizing what an amazing opportunity fate had laid out for them, my
folks quickly sought to get away from England—to a land where a brown guy could
get a fair shake. They applied to three countries: Australia, the United States
of America, and of course, Canada. Guess who said yes first? Of course, that
was a very fast four years later in 1968.
Can you imagine my accent if we had moved
to Boh-ston? Or gawd help us all, to Australia? We’d all have to learn how to
speak a new language!
Once in Canada – Toronto, as a matter of
fact, we moved into the middle floor of a Victorian house on Collier Street
just north and east Yonge & Bloor.
Unlike a lot of other immigrants that
arrived in Canada in subsequent decades, my family and I whole-hardheartedly
embraced all that is Canadian.
Back in 1968, Pearson International Airport
was known as Malton Airport, using the call sign of YYZ – a really cool Rush
song. In fact, if you listen to the syncopated base line of that song, you’ll
hear YYZ tapped out in Morse Code. A fucking American taught me that.
Anyhow, the time is now 1968. The Leafs
didn’t win the Cup that year, but probably would next year. My dad arrived at the airport two weeks before my mom did with me in tow, and a little English Cocker Spaniel named
Tin-Tin—who had to remain in quarantine for 30 days.
SCENE 2
(Dance To The Music – Martha and the
Vandellas)
(I’m an Airport Border Guard)
“Hi there! Welcome to Canada! Did you have
a long trip?
(pause)
Yeah, yeah, I bet! So… where ya comin’
from?
(pause)
Uh-uh. Uh-huh…. Groovy, man! Do ya have a
pad to crash at?
(pause)
Far-out! Do you need any drugs, man? Canada
has some primo weed ya know!
(pause)
Now, now. No offense taken, man. Not
everyone likes dope, man. Maybe you’d prefer a psychedelic? Like here’s four
tickets to tomorrow’s Leafs – Canadians game.
(pause)
Uh…
(pause)
It’s like for hockey, man.
(pause)
What’s field hockey? Nah, this is for ICE
hockey, my brother. If you ever want to be a true Canadian you should check it
out.
(pause)
Naw. You’re welcome, man… (yell as though
person has moved away)
Are you sure you don’t need any grass!?
(FADE TO BLACK)
SCENE 3
(FADE TO WHITE)
Intro – Andrew to audience
Nowadays, in 2012, crossing the border –
specifically the Canada – U.S. border – while driving is, for me, a
battle of wits against an unarmed opponent:
(Music – The Beatles – You Know My Name)
Pause maybe 20 seconds
(Smiling – and looking a far… but waving
other cars past)
“Aw fuck…. Here comes another fucking rag
head – minus the rag, this time.
(waving cars)
… go ahead, go ahead…
(smiling)
Everyone knows he’s going to be trouble…
(waving cars)
… I know you are sir… keep going, keep
going… you too sir…
(smiling)
It’s why all of the real Canadians behind
him have moved off into different lanes… Aw, fuck… this is it… I better play
this one by the books. We don’t need a repeat of 9-fucking 11 here in Merica!
Next! Passport!
(scans it)
(peers down as though staring at the
driver’s side of the car.)
(Do a voice – Monty Python – Bridge keeper)
Before you may cross this bridge – three
question you must answer me.
What! Is your name?
(pause)
John… Andrew… Matthew… Stephen… Joseph… uh,
right.
(glances at the passport – now open)
Citizenship?
(pause)
Yes sir, I know it’s all here in your
passport. It’s part of the border guard testing procedure that we perform on
everyone attempting to illegally enter Merica from that 9-11-lovin’ turd of a
country – Canada.
(pause).
I don’t know that you aren’t trying to
enter this country legally sir.
(pause)
Canadian, huh?
(waving passport down like into the
driver’s face)
Says here you was born in London, U.K. I
got a cousin who went to U of Kay – Go Wildcats! He took pre-med nursing, but
said it hurt his tits too much so he dropped out after a semester.
(pause)
Not… the University of Kentucky? … United
Kingdom? … Never heard of it!
(quick pause)
Oh – oh – England! Why didn’t you say
so? (Aussie accent) Toss another shrimp
on the Barbie, Ken!
(laugh – laugh)
You don’t have my accent though sir.
Oh wait, I see your passport is issued in
Tokyo, Japan… what the hell were you doing in China?
(pause – pause)
Uh-huh… now “sir”, you can see the problem
here, can’t you?
(pause)
(sigh)
Well… the passport implies you are
Canadian.
And your name? John Andrew Matthew Stephen
Joseph… sure, why not?
But born in England? A passport issued in
To-ki-oh, China? And… while you and your passport photo match – putting you all
together… you don’t seem to make any sense.
Look… let’s just continue….
(pause)
Okay… Question Number 2
(Do a voice – Monty Python – Bridge keeper)
(Do a voice – Monty Python – Bridge keeper)
WHAT! Is you favorite color?
(pause)
Very good, sir... It’s very nice that you
spelled color and favorite with a “u”. We don’t do that here in ‘Merica.
Okay, next…
Question number 3.
(Do a voice – Monty Python – Bridge keeper)
Why! Are you coming to the United States of ‘Merica?
Why! Are you coming to the United States of ‘Merica?
(pause)
Uh, no sir… it’s not obvious. Why should it
be obvious?
(pause)
(takes something from driver)
Hockey sweaters? Leafs versus Sabres?... I
have no idea what you are talking about, sir. I have no concept of this ICE
hockey of which you speak.
(Pause)
Uh-uh-uh! … Why don’t you park your car
over there and the nice men with the rubber gloves will be more than happy to
take care of you….
(pause)
What?
(pause)
Do I like NASCAR? Of course I like NASCAR!
Eeeeeeeeeee-wwwwwweeeeeeeee! Thi is ‘Merica, boy!
(pause)
Uh-huh)
(pause)
Okay…
that’s alright! Okay, now! That’s great!
Yes… Jimmy Johnston is Number 48!
I also would have accepted: Tony Stewart is
a fat fuck, but we love him anyways.
Here’s your passport. Enjoy your stay.
(pause) (and wave at the car)
…Just don’t stay too long, ya raghead.
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